Death by Google

Did you know that if you take two common terms- connected, unconnected, ludicrously unconnected- and type them into the Google search box, someone, somewhere, will have connected the two together? Try it now (opens in a new tab- you don't get away from me that easily).

Here are some examples:

Notice how two out of the three search results aren't memes or user names or viral videos- they're actually diagnoses. I know, I know, you were just trying to remember that place you drove through once in the desert, with that weird hill that looked like an elbow and you never play tennis cos you can't hit the ball to save your life... but I defy you to look at that top result and not feel a twinge in your arm.

So last week I arrived at work one morning feeling like crap. Now this is not unusual for teachers at the end of a long winter term. My standard answer to "how are you?" at this time of the year is "I'm here" (hate me if you want, it's ok). But I've been wheezing walking up steps lately, and I have this horrible suspicion my ankles are turning into cankles (aaargh!), so, looking for a solution that didn't involve something slow and boring like losing some weight and taking my asthma preventer properly, I googled the fatal words "asthma swollen ankles".

And among the first page of results, I saw this:

and this one:

And I read the other symptoms of heart failure, and oh god I had them (almost) all! Tiredness- yep. Heart palpitations- yep. Cough- yep. A feeling of apprehension- yep (especially when my Year 9s were getting on the train that week to go to the city with- gasp- normal commuters!). Increase in blood pressure- meh, probably not an important symptom. I had chronic heart failure! I might die! I might have to stop doing two hour karate classes twice a week!

I called my long-suffering husband, who told me to go to the doctor. Having impressively scared him, I called the doctor. They had an appointment for half an hour later. I declined- health is important, but I had a class to teach. I made an appointment for the next week. I went out to the city with the Year 9s the next day and didn't die. I went to karate on Saturday and didn't die. I threw an 18th birthday party for my son on Sunday and didn't die. I went to the doc on Monday and was ordered to take my asthma medication properly, reminded that I had put on a lot of weight in the last couple of years (her emphasis, not mine), sent for a whole lot of blood tests and an ECG, and told no more googling. I still haven't died- and although I haven't got the test results yet, even I can recognise a normal ECG line.

So the moral of this story is this: search engine abuse is bad for everyone. Remember the story of Adam and Eve? The tree of knowledge? That's the Internet. The serpent? That's google. The apple? Probably porn, but this analogy is starting to get away from me now. Just think, though, how happy our god-shaped forefathers/mothers would have been if they'd stayed happily ignorant. Instead of which, they were thrown out of the garden, elbows aching, hearts palpitating, wondering whether those mushrooms in last night's dinner were actually toadstools and if they'd ever get to see a kitten drinking lemonade.

Makes you think.

Profile pictures are hard!

This is going to be a very short post. I've spent too long deleting my old blog, coming up with a new blog name, and choosing a new user name and profile picture. Now I have to get ready for karate.

Still, to give you all (my hundreds of loyal followers) something to look at until I provide something more substantial, here are some of the profile pictures I considered and rejected (Read on at your own risk: I had a holiday in Europe two years ago. The camera never left my hands. Now I'm looking for a use for all those photos I took of gargoyles and statues and decorative door knobs.)

This one's cute- reminds me of my pet axolotl. I'm sure it would take food out of my hand too. Or make food out of my hand.

 This guy was on a chest in a German fortress. He's very jovial- maybe a bit too much for me. Especially when I'm not drinking at the moment as much.

He looks like he knows his way around a vineyard.

 Sweet, isn't he? Or she. Who knows?
Already using it for my Trip Advisor profile pic though.

This is actually me, in a Kurdish restaurant. In Edinburgh.
I like this picture. I'm not always comfortable with pictures of me, but this is ok. Not sure I look like an alpha dog though.

I think this is a powerpuff girl. In Swarovski crystal. Nice, isn't she?
And she's definitely an alpha dog!

 Is this the most evil cherub you've ever seen? I think he's in the Louvre (& no question about his gender!)

 This is a doorknob. A doorknob! Don't you wish you had one tenth of the style of a Venetian house? I do, but unfortunately I don't.
Also he's a miserable-looking buggar.

I like fish.
I have a fish pond.
I'm a Pisces.
But this door handle is a bit too passive. And has no voice. Whereas I talk all the time.

Is this a gryphon? (or griffin?).
Have you read the Chronicles of Narnia? This has got to be Tash, don't you think?

It's a lion.
Lions are cool.
But not alpha dogs, if you get what I mean.
Also, this is a boy lion, and everyone knows lionesses have all the fun.

This is German.
I like the ciggie in it's mouth. Remember kids, fags are bad.
And the grim cheerfulness of the bat wing skull.
Maybe next time.

And this was my final choice.
Cerberus, the ultimate door bitch.
How much more alpha dog can you get?